How I Parented My 3-Year-Old During a Depressive Episode
Postpartum isn't the only time parents get depressed
Hi, my name is Irina and I’m a mom to a rambunctious 3-year-old. And… I have been going through a depressive episode for the past few weeks.
This isn’t what I wanted to write today. Honestly, it wasn’t something I wanted to write ever. Originally, my plan was to write a helpful post with activity ideas for what to do with young kids when you’re a parent experiencing some serious mental health challenges.
And I still may write that! (Vote in the poll below if you’d like to see it.) But I realized that what really needed to be said is this:
Parenting is really fucking hard.
That’s true pretty much every day of the week, but it’s especially true when a parent (or both parents if they’re in the child’s life) is going through some shiiiiiiiiit.
That’s been me since like middle-ish of June. I’ve been really struggling with tiredness and no motivation, and it took me a month to realize that I was depressed. And even then, I didn’t realize that this current depressive episode was happening due to a medication switch.
Thankfully, the medication stuff has been resolved thanks to my psychiatrist. (Note: I see them for an adult diagnosis of Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) and generalized anxiety disorder (GAD).)
But even as I’m slowly finally starting to come out of my current depressive episode, I’ve learned a lot about how to manage being an adult struggling with their mental health while also taking care of a young child.
What does parental depression have to do with raising Gen Alpha?
The short answer is, well, everything. But let me clarify.
Back in December 2021, the Surgeon General of the United States, Vivek H. Murthy, M.D., M.B.A., issued an advisory about children and mental health. He summed up some of the studies that have led to this:
“From 2009 to 2019, the proportion of high school students reporting persistent feelings of sadness or hopelessness increased by 40%; the share seriously considering attempting suicide increased by 36%; and the share creating a suicide plan increased by 44%. Between 2011 and 2015, youth psychiatric visits to emergency departments for depression, anxiety, and behavioral challenges increased by 28%. Between 2007 and 2018, suicide rates among youth ages 10-24 in the US increased by 57%. Early estimates from the National Center for Health Statistics suggest there were tragically more than 6,600 deaths by suicide among the 10-24 age group in 2020.”
Long story short, more kids are depressed today than ever before (or at least since we started tracking this kind of thing).
So any parent—whether or not they have their own mental health struggles—should be aware of what’s happening with their kids. This includes being aware of anxiety symptoms in kids and starting anxiety screenings with your medical provider for kids 8-18 years old, according to the latest recommendation from the United States Preventive Services Taskforce (USPST). They also recommend screening kids aged 12-18 for depression.
Plus, the Surgeon General also issued an advisory in May 2023 about the (mostly) negative effect of social media on youth mental health. If you have a 3-year-old like me, you might be thinking: Social media is a long way away! True, but the oldest Gen Alpha kids are turning 13 years old this year. This means that they can now legally have their own social media profile since 13 years is the age set by the Children's Online Privacy Protection Act (COPPA), which prohibits websites from collecting information on children younger than 13 years without parental permission.
Now back to parental depression…
Unfortunately, parental depression impacts children and is a major risk factor for difficulties in a child’s life, according to Yale Medicine. Megan Smith, Ph.D., co-director of the Parenting Center at the Yale Medicine Child Study Center and director of the New Haven Mental Health Outreach for Mothers (MOMS) Partnership, said:
“Depressed mothers have been found in some studies to use less emotion and expressivity in their language with their babies. And they make less eye contact.”
Plus, "women are at highest risk during the parenting years,” Smith told Parents magazine.
But wait! It’s not all horrible news.
What parents can do to help themselves (and their Gen Alpha kids) while depressed.
Well, as I come out of my own depression, there are a few things I’ve learned—from my therapist, from reading about depression on credible sites, and from other parents who have shared their stories with me.
1. SEEK HELP!
Okay, so I know this one is kind of obvious… but seriously, if you’re not quite feeling like yourself, don’t keep it to yourself.
It took me over 3 weeks to realize that my low mood, fatigue, tiredness, frustration, snapping at everyone, and lack of motivation were due to depression. I’m lucky to already have a therapist and a psychiatrist who I work with—so starting to work on getting out of my depressive state could begin immediately.
But that’s not the case for everyone. In many cultures (including my own growing up as a Latina), mental health is just not talked about. And finding a mental health professional who is currently taking on clients, has availability that’s good for you, isn’t too difficult to get to (if you go in person), and takes your health insurance is not easy either.
But here’s the thing: Getting help for your depression is essential.
There is a lot of pain when we suffer in silence. A lot of unnecessary pain, really.
Additionally, there’s still lingering mental health stigma in our country and especially when it comes to motherhood. But here’s the thing: It may not be parenting that’s making you depressed.
For me, I realized that it had very little to do with parenting and much more to do with my layoff earlier this year from what I thought was a career-making job. A job that I truly loved and invested a lot of time in. Well, I dealt with burnout from that… and now that burnout has led to depression. With an extra boost from the medication issues.
And even if it is parenting that’s stressing you out, even more reason to seek professional help—because nothing gets better by wishing it away. And parenting struggles aren’t something that will just go away with a medication switch or a new job.
If you’re not sure where to start seeking help, check out Psychology Today’s Find a Therapist feature. And Monarch by SimplePractice is another option (and where I found my current amazing therapist.) It’s helped me tons! Plus, feel free to reach out to me by emailing me at raisingenalpha@gmail.com—and I’ll do my best to point you to the right resources.
(Note: If you are experiencing a crisis or thoughts of unaliving yourself, please call or text 988 or reach out to the Crisis Text Line.)
2. KEEP UP THE ROUTINE
As difficult and annoying as this advice may be, remember when our little ones were teeny tiny babies and it seemed as if every other problem could be resolved with a set routine? Bathtime struggles? Routine! Trouble sleeping through the night? Routine! Picky eater? Routine, routine, routine!
Obviously, I’m joking… sort of.
When it comes to dealing with depression, one of the most difficult parts for me has been wanting to get out of bed. Often, especially during the worst days, I just wanted to stay in bed forever. All I did was roll around aimlessly and think about all of the things that were making me stressed AF and leading to even more depression. Ugh!
But routine isn’t just good for kids; it’s good for adults, too.
One of the things that probably helped me much more than I even realize is keeping up our typical morning routine with my 3-year-old during my depression.
It wasn’t easy but my husband and I would tackle our morning routine as usual. And due to a scheduling change with his daycare, I was now the parent taking my kiddo to school most days—which at least helped me get out of the house.
Just knowing that I would need to see other humans and interact with them for the sake of my bebé gave me a little push.
Sure, most of the time I would drop him off and come straight back to bed, but it also meant showering most days before taking him to school. It meant getting dressed. It meant remembering that I’m a human and not just an unmotivated sad blob living in my house.
We also kept up our family routine most evenings, which generally involves dinner together, some playtime, maybe a bit of TV time (ok, more TV than usual time…), and putting him to bed.
My husband and I would usually swap doing bedtime but on the nights when it was just me, I started to stay in my son’s room and snuggle him a bit longer.
Did the snuggling help my depression? It’s hard to tell since, well, our brains have pretty complicated wiring. But I do think that having some sort of routine helped me to keep the days moving, and gave me crucial reminders about the good in my life.
3. RECLAIM YOUR JOY
If you’ve ever been depressed, you’re probably thinking: She must be kidding, right?
Finding joy is one of the absolute hardest parts of depression. One of the common symptoms of depression is that you are no longer enjoying the hobbies and things that previously made you happy.
This was absolutely the case for me. It’s hard enough for a mom to have hobbies or do anything for herself. I suddenly found myself not wanting to do anything because it all felt like it would tire me even more. Everything was unfathomable.
Like, I used to enjoy reading spicy romance on audiobook while also coloring my heart out with some fancy new markers. But now? No way!
Going to the playground with my son? Taking the family to the zoo over the weekend? Making us a delicious dinner? Working from a coffee shop a couple of times a week? Getting dressed in my favorite outfits just for fun? No, thanks.
Nothing brought me joy. Truly, nothing.
I didn’t even feel bored. I just felt… nothing. And that feeling sucked.
But what I did is that I would occasionally go through some of the things I have for my hobbies. Like, I took out a couple of books that I wanted to read and put them on my nightstand. I ordered myself a new coloring book that’s been on my Wish List for a while. I texted friends when I was having a tiny good-ish moment. Really tiny baby steps were the key here—and they worked!
And as the little things began to work, I pushed myself to take bigger steps towards reclaiming the things that I enjoy.
So I made myself take Rio to an indoor playground and invited one of his friends (whose mom I really like) to join. As an extrovert, this was a bit extra incentive even though it was still hard to get out of bed and I thought about canceling up until the minute we were in the car. It ended up being a great time! And Rio and I got ice cream afterward (see photo above).
It wasn’t easy to leave the house each time I did but I’m glad that I tried. And I also reminded myself that it’s okay if I stay in this phase for a while.
Recently, someone told me to look through old photos for evidence of other times when I have been down and struggling, and reflect on how I got out of that time. And guess what? I did!
Looking back was a good reminder that I’ve been through harder stuff than this. Plus, it truly was concrete evidence that it’'ll be OK someday soon.
It’s all OK—even when it feels like it’ll never be OK again.
If you are a parent who struggled with their mental health or know someone who has, leave a comment with a message for someone who’s currently going through a tough time.
Talk soon,
Irina (she/her) - raising a March 2020 gen alpha kid
To anyone reading this, you got this. You are not alone. I’ve been there.
This essay helps me empathize with what my parents were going through while raising me. I wish they had resources like this while I was growing up! Thanks for using your voice to normalize mental health, therapy, psychiatry, and the fact that raising kids is fucking hard. 💚