Loved this piece, Irina. My friend's wife, who is quite butch, was telling me about her experience as a unicorn in a suburban setting. The other moms watching soccer don't talk to her, and she is faced with her own marginality, largely coming from class and gender prejudice. I have to believe there are more unicorns than we can see outside big cities...I love imagining you in your amazingly colorful outfit in that photo leading the charge. :)
Thanks for reading, Gail! Ugh I hate that your friend's wife has this experience. I would definitely talk to her! I agree with you, though, there definitely has to be more unicorns out here in the 'burbs. Hopefully your friend can find some of them soon <3
Great piece, and I REALLY loved the voice-over. It takes nerve to record those, but as a listener/reader it adds so much depth and connection to hear you tell your own story in your voice.
So. Invisibility. That's me in a nutshell. I used to be a mom, and there was no question when my little family was out and about that those two kids tagging along have my genes. But transmen who birthed their own kids are in this really uniquely invisible place where declaring that we gave birth to our children outs us in sometimes uncomfortable or unsafe ways. So when people see us all walk by now, I'm sure they think my wife birthed our kids.
Does that mean they also think she and I are heterosexual? Cuz that's weird. And it adds to the erasure of who and what I am.
Hats off to you for being a suburban unicorn. This queer suburban transdad will wave when you trot by.
Thanks for listening, Robin! This was my first voice-over and I don't love the little popping sounds my headphones created... but it was fun! I appreciate your feedback <3
Your invisibility sounds really tough. I've seen content from other transmen about this a bit in the past, and how it can be so difficult to be open about birthing your own children when the general population doesn't even understand the concept of men being pregnant. SIGH.
Agree that it's so weird to realize that so many of the people we see are probably assuming we're heterosexual, and it can really be painful to be erased all the time like that. I don't have a solution for that. It's like, we can't be the only ones, right? But statistically, it's difficult to find each other.
Irina, we are most definitely not the only ones, and as a few of us start to become visible (intentionally), we show our less visible siblings that they are not alone. And that, right there, is how we make the world better.
Fellow neurodivergent, queer-but-straight-passing, previously-NYC-dwelling mama here, waving in solidarity from the burbs north of the city. My partner and I are moving out after five years here and are off to figure out how to be art weirdos again somewhere else. I’m also from Utah and have close peeps in CO so definitely understand the specific flavor of the mountain west suburbs and how that differs even from, say, Westchester or Jersey, where you can still get an Uber home from doing karaoke in K-town, or drive in on the weekend to get dumplings in Flushing. There’s so much beauty and peace out west but that NYC je ne sais quoi is its own national treasure, too. 🦄
"NYC je ne sais quoi" is the perfect way to describe it! And I find that people really *get it* or don't. Do you say you're from NYC if it comes up? I call myself a New Yorker because the city very much raised me, and it's still where I lived for the longest time. But I didn't technically grow up there since I didn't arrive till age 18.
The mountain west bit you described is very true, too. It's beautiful and peaceful out here, but it's very different than being from the northeast and especially in the tri-state area.
Good luck to wherever you're moving! "Art weidos" is my favorite way to be ;) Still around the NYC burbs?
I fully back claiming NYC as your hometown regardless of when you actually arrived, as long as it feels like home :) I do think how you describe “where you’re from” is so contextual for each conversation, though. “The NYC area” is enough for people who aren’t from around here, but I do get specific about the town when we’re talking to NY-ers. We’re now moving to coastal New England, actually, where there are a fair number of art weirdos, so I’m cautiously optimistic. I moved to Boston at age 18 and so have those same sort of “hometown” feelings for it, so it does feel like a homecoming in a sense.
Love the voice over. It put a more raw honesty in this and I admire you for that. And love the question. Conetext: im in a lesbian relationship and I have two kiddos I brought into the relationship. As a neurospicy white straight cis passing non binary mixed race Latinx parent, I think I try to dress the part. I’ve got a mullet ish haircut with one side shaved. I used try to throw some Spanish in my conversations but I’m too rusty. So I do try to throw some queerness in at least. So I can be that safe person for people. So I can be more visible for myself, my kiddos and whoever else needs that. But sometimes I need to just be under the radar, so to speak, and that is okay too. It doesn’t mean I’m hiding my sparkle. Just recharging it.
That advice from your therapist is 🔥🔥🔥! Great piece bb
Thanks! Definitely the best therapist I've ever had. :)
Loved this piece, Irina. My friend's wife, who is quite butch, was telling me about her experience as a unicorn in a suburban setting. The other moms watching soccer don't talk to her, and she is faced with her own marginality, largely coming from class and gender prejudice. I have to believe there are more unicorns than we can see outside big cities...I love imagining you in your amazingly colorful outfit in that photo leading the charge. :)
Thanks for reading, Gail! Ugh I hate that your friend's wife has this experience. I would definitely talk to her! I agree with you, though, there definitely has to be more unicorns out here in the 'burbs. Hopefully your friend can find some of them soon <3
Feel this on a lot of levels!
Awww thank you! Glad we're in the same club, even if it's a small one :)
Great piece, and I REALLY loved the voice-over. It takes nerve to record those, but as a listener/reader it adds so much depth and connection to hear you tell your own story in your voice.
So. Invisibility. That's me in a nutshell. I used to be a mom, and there was no question when my little family was out and about that those two kids tagging along have my genes. But transmen who birthed their own kids are in this really uniquely invisible place where declaring that we gave birth to our children outs us in sometimes uncomfortable or unsafe ways. So when people see us all walk by now, I'm sure they think my wife birthed our kids.
Does that mean they also think she and I are heterosexual? Cuz that's weird. And it adds to the erasure of who and what I am.
Hats off to you for being a suburban unicorn. This queer suburban transdad will wave when you trot by.
Thanks for listening, Robin! This was my first voice-over and I don't love the little popping sounds my headphones created... but it was fun! I appreciate your feedback <3
Your invisibility sounds really tough. I've seen content from other transmen about this a bit in the past, and how it can be so difficult to be open about birthing your own children when the general population doesn't even understand the concept of men being pregnant. SIGH.
Agree that it's so weird to realize that so many of the people we see are probably assuming we're heterosexual, and it can really be painful to be erased all the time like that. I don't have a solution for that. It's like, we can't be the only ones, right? But statistically, it's difficult to find each other.
I will wave right back! :)
Irina, we are most definitely not the only ones, and as a few of us start to become visible (intentionally), we show our less visible siblings that they are not alone. And that, right there, is how we make the world better.
100%! Little bit little... :)
Fellow neurodivergent, queer-but-straight-passing, previously-NYC-dwelling mama here, waving in solidarity from the burbs north of the city. My partner and I are moving out after five years here and are off to figure out how to be art weirdos again somewhere else. I’m also from Utah and have close peeps in CO so definitely understand the specific flavor of the mountain west suburbs and how that differs even from, say, Westchester or Jersey, where you can still get an Uber home from doing karaoke in K-town, or drive in on the weekend to get dumplings in Flushing. There’s so much beauty and peace out west but that NYC je ne sais quoi is its own national treasure, too. 🦄
"NYC je ne sais quoi" is the perfect way to describe it! And I find that people really *get it* or don't. Do you say you're from NYC if it comes up? I call myself a New Yorker because the city very much raised me, and it's still where I lived for the longest time. But I didn't technically grow up there since I didn't arrive till age 18.
The mountain west bit you described is very true, too. It's beautiful and peaceful out here, but it's very different than being from the northeast and especially in the tri-state area.
Good luck to wherever you're moving! "Art weidos" is my favorite way to be ;) Still around the NYC burbs?
I fully back claiming NYC as your hometown regardless of when you actually arrived, as long as it feels like home :) I do think how you describe “where you’re from” is so contextual for each conversation, though. “The NYC area” is enough for people who aren’t from around here, but I do get specific about the town when we’re talking to NY-ers. We’re now moving to coastal New England, actually, where there are a fair number of art weirdos, so I’m cautiously optimistic. I moved to Boston at age 18 and so have those same sort of “hometown” feelings for it, so it does feel like a homecoming in a sense.
Sounds like you'll be in a better place! Or, at least, good potential.
I usually just say "I'm from New York" when talking to people outside of NYC and then they ask where, I say "from the city." Hah!
Love the voice over. It put a more raw honesty in this and I admire you for that. And love the question. Conetext: im in a lesbian relationship and I have two kiddos I brought into the relationship. As a neurospicy white straight cis passing non binary mixed race Latinx parent, I think I try to dress the part. I’ve got a mullet ish haircut with one side shaved. I used try to throw some Spanish in my conversations but I’m too rusty. So I do try to throw some queerness in at least. So I can be that safe person for people. So I can be more visible for myself, my kiddos and whoever else needs that. But sometimes I need to just be under the radar, so to speak, and that is okay too. It doesn’t mean I’m hiding my sparkle. Just recharging it.