Where Are the Princess Shirts for Boys?
"What’s underneath the surface here is that we are telling boys that it’s not okay to love female characters, that it’s not okay to love strong girls, that it’s not okay to love women."
Welcome! Formerly Raising Gen Alpha, this newsletter has been renamed Parenting in Hard Mode (read about why here). We’re a community and safe space for BIPOC, LGBTQIA+, neurodivergent, and differently-abled parents who are raising Gen Alpha kids (born 2010-2024) and nurturing social justice-minded families—all while taking care of our mental health. Allies welcome, too. Please subscribe to connect with fellow parents through empathy and compassion. Let’s build our virtual village together.
When I found out that the sex of my baby was male, I was happy… and also a little deflated. Like many strong women I know, I pictured myself raising a strong woman. Someone who would grow up a little badass fighting for equality and women’s rights, just like mommy.
“I know how to raise a feminist girl, but how do I raise a feminist boy?” I thought.
Thankfully, the answer isn’t that much different—I’m still raising a little badass fighting for equality and women’s rights, just like mommy; it’s just that my child’s sex is assigned male at birth (AMAB).
One of the things that became super important to me from that day in my second trimester until now is that I wanted to make sure that my child was exposed to all kinds of different clothes and toys, regardless of gender. But at the same time, I didn’t necessarily think that this meant my child could only play with or wear “gender-neutral” things. In fact, I don’t think that’s necessary at all!
Yet, when it comes to making sure our kids are exposed to variety, I’ve found a frustrating gap between what we say is okay for girls to wear and what we deem appropriate for boys. And the way we’re communicating all of this isn’t good for gender equality, like, at all. Let me explain…
Where Are the Non-Pastel Gender-Neutral Clothes?
My partner and I decided to keep our baby’s sex a secret until our baby shower because we really, really didn’t want everything we received to be blue. But I remember being frustrated that our only other option seemed to be shades of gray.
I’ve heard countless complaints from fellow parents who get frustrated when adding gender-neutral things to their baby registries because those colors are just so, well, boring. If I never see another baby towel in mint green or a onesie in gray and white or a crib sheet in pastel yellow, I’ll die a happy woman. It’s not that I necessarily hate those colors. I just hate the idea that our only option if we refuse to introduce our children to the “blue is for boys, pink is for girls” bullshit from birth is to buy light-colored gray and pastel clothing, sheets, towels, etc. What about other colors? What about non-pastel versions of those colors? What about just color diversity for both boys and girls and everyone in between?
It’s with that frame of mind that I’ve been buying my child (AMAB) clothing from both sides of the Target aisle, so to speak. He has just as many blue shirts as he has pink shirts, purple has been his favorite color ever since he could decide such things and verbalize them to us, and I generally approach his wardrobe with the attitude that I like fun, cute things in big, bright colors—so that’s what I shop for.
Though if I’m honest, I’m usually shopping in the “girl’s” section of kids clothing stores because any gifts my child gets from loving family and friends still tend to come from the “boy’s” section. So I joke to my husband that I’m balancing what’s in our kiddo’s closet and in his playroom by explicitly making sure he has things in a variety of colors. Yes, including pink and purple and things with flowers and designs that our society typically associates with femininity.
If a girl’s Moana shirt can solely feature a secondary male character, then why can’t a boy’s Moana shirt feature the leading character who happens to be female?
I’m fully committed to doing this up until the point that my child starts shopping for their own clothes—and maybe even then. I want my child to grow up and develop their own sense of style and their own sense of self, as free from societal pressures as possible.
And let me tell you, it’s not easy.
Everything seems to be gendered all of the damn time. This may not be a surprise to you if you’re reading this newsletter (at least I hope not), but what’s been driving me especially crazy lately is how much we tell our girls that it’s okay to like “boy things” like superheroes but we never really tell boys that it’s okay to like “girl things” like princesses. Or, as I recently discovered, we never tell boys that it’s okay if their favorite character from a popular TV show is (gasp!) a girl.
Case in point: My quest to find my son a birthday shirt featuring his favorite Paw Patrol pup, Everest—”a female Husky pup who lives on the mountain with Jake.”
Why Can’t Boys Like Female TV Characters?
I think we can all agree that, in general, our society is okay with teaching girls that “boy things” are okay for them, too. This isn’t true in conservative circles, sure, but only the most extremist people insist that today’s girls and women have to wear skirts and dresses. Women may not have bodily autonomy in the U.S. (thanks to the overturning of Roe v. Wade) but we sure can wear pants, at least.
When I walk down children’s clothing aisles, everything is still very gendered when it comes to the colors and styles of clothes—but DC Comics makes a girl’s Batman shirt so we know it’s okay for girls to like male characters in what has traditionally been considered a boy interest (superheroes).
Overall, it’s not that difficult these days to find female-gendered clothing that features both female and male characters or even just the male characters in a popular kid’s television series à la any kind of superhero. But try searching for a “boys Frozen shirt” (a favorite movie of my son’s) and you find a gray shirt featuring Olaf. And while I think the silly talking snowman is adorable, why can’t I find a boy’s Frozen shirt that features, I dunno, the two actual leading characters of the movie—sisters Elsa and Anna—without also featuring two male characters?
It seems that the only option for male children who love female-led movies and TV is to buy from the girl’s section of the store. And while I know that already using “boy” and “girl” in this context is problematic, I also know that this is the reality we live in. Every store tells us to pick a side to shop on based not on what our child likes but on what it says on their birth certificate. Deconstructing all of this is important for sure. But in the meantime, we need to start teaching boys that it’s awesome that their favorite character from Moana is, ahem, MOANA, and not the chicken or the demigod. If a girl’s Moana shirt can solely feature a secondary male character, then why can’t a boy’s Moana shirt feature the leading character who happens to be female?
This is endlessly frustrating to me.
And it’s all coming to a head right now because my child’s birthday party is coming up and I literally cannot find a themed birthday shirt for him that features his favorite character from Paw Patrol. Why? Because she happens to be a girl so all of the shirts featuring her say “Birthday Girl.” BIRTHDAY GIRL! Why can’t it be “Birthday Pup” (which is available only for the primary female character) or something that doesn’t bring gender into this at all? I’m not even saying “Birthday Person” because that might look a bit odd on a kid’s birthday shirt, but a simple “It’s My 4th Birthday” on a shirt that features the secondary female pup would suffice.
I’m Making Rainbows Out of Pink and Blue
So what am I to do?
Well, despite gender being a social construct, I don’t necessarily want to confuse people by having my AMAB child wear a “birthday girl” shirt. On the one hand, who cares? I mean, truly, who cares? It’s just a cute shirt with his favorite puppy, amirite? But on the other hand, we do still live in this gendered society and there are some gender lines that I am very comfortable standing on top of but not crossing just yet.
So for lack of a better idea—and because I am determined not to let society tell my son that his favorite character can’t be female—I bought him the shirt and plan to use fabric paint to turn that “GIRL” into a “KID!” It’s not going to look perfect but hopefully it’ll look decent enough.
I feel like I am doing two things at once here, both trying to subvert gendered expectations and still adhering to them a bit. Look, it’s a complicated issue and I don’t have all the answers. I only have what feels right(ish) to me right now, and this is it.
At the end of the day, what I really hope to communicate with my child’s Birthday Girl Kid shirt is that he’s allowed to love a female character most of all and that he’s allowed to express that publicly—as all kids should be!
We’re never truly going to find equality between the sexes until we encourage men to embrace their feminine sides as much as we’re already encouraging women to embrace their masculine sides. I mean, it would be super duper great if we could just not gender things like color and personality traits, but that’s a bigger mountain to climb for another time.
In the meantime, I hope we all take a pause and think about how truly fucked up it is that if you search for a Peppa Pig shirt for boys, you’ll find one featuring her brother George. At the end of the day, what’s underneath the surface here is that we are telling boys that it’s not okay to love female characters, that it’s not okay to love strong girls, that it’s not okay to love women. And isn’t that kind of a huge part of the problem? I certainly think so.
Teaching children things like gender equality and consent doesn’t happen just through words. It happens through actions, too. And subtle actions like not having princess shirts for boys tells them that there is something wrong with having an affinity for princesses, which translates to there being something wrong with them loving female characters, which translates to female characters not being worthy of their love and respect—and it’s not that many steps down the Incel road after that when the primary message we’re sending here is that female characters are not worthy of male admiration.
So, please, let’s bring on the princess shirts for boys. Let’s tell them that it’s awesome that they love an animated puppy who happens to be female. Let’s encourage them to wear pink and jump in muddy puddles just like Peppa.
Let’s just shut down all these things that subtly tell our boys not to respect women.
After all, isn’t that what needs to happen in order for us to truly raise little badass kids fighting for equality and women’s rights? Yes, I would say it is.
What has been your experience with gendered clothing for kids? If you have male children, have you noticed this princess shirt gap? Would you put your AMAB child in a “girl” shirt? I’d love to hear from all of you!
Abrazos,
Your friendly neighborhood bisexual Latina mom with ADHD raising a Gen Alpha kid
P.S. For those that asked: My new sign off—Abrazos—means “hugs” in Spanish. I want this newsletter to be a virtual hug for you today, for whatever is going on that’s a little bit hard or a lot difficult, even if just for a moment.
Thank you for this piece! I feel your ambivalence here - wanting to stand on a gender line, but not necessarily cross it - and I appreciate your honesty.
We are at Disney this week with my 2 boys so I had some experience with trying to find them princess shirts recently! I’m very familiar with the Frozen issue in particular and the girls section shirts were also cut weirdly tight for my 7 yo in a larger body so they were a no go. We have a lot of Mickey squad shirts and our little mermaid shirts featured flounder and Sebastian only. It’s very frustrating! My kids love Moana and Frozen- at least the Lego aisle was easy to buy all the princess items! The Moana wayfarer boat was really cool for my 7 yo.