What It Was Like to Get Diagnosed with ADHD After Becoming a Mom

And I'm far from the only one.

Welcome to our special series, Parenting in Hard Mode. “Parenting in Hard Mode” is for parents who (like me) come from a marginalized community—such as BIPOC, LGBTQIA+, or neurodiverse—and/or parents who struggle with mental health issues—such as anxiety or depression. This series of essays published on Mondays (ahem, or Tuesdays) is meant to create community with our fellow parents who feel like we’re doing all of this in “Hard Mode.” There are many ways that we’re all Parenting in Hard Mode—so please join us in sharing your own experiences.

What you’ll find in this essay:

• Stats on the likelihood that ADHD runs in a family

• How to find reputable sources for ADHD info online

• Why ADHD is underdiagnosed in women and girls

• Getting diagnosed without the long wait lists

For my entire life, I’ve always felt like a bit of a “weirdo.”

Growing up, I often heard my dad refer to me as the “Black Sheep of the Family” and constantly questioned why I couldn’t do things “normally” or why I wasn’t “normal.”

Childhood trauma due to being raised by a narcissistic parent aside, I’ve long known that there were many things that I was better at than my peers and many things that seemed to be a huge struggle for me that simply weren’t difficult for others.

When I went to rehab for alcohol use disorder at age 29, I was diagnosed with generalized personality disorder (GAD) on my first day there. Woo hoo! I finally had my answer as to why I felt so different sometimes.

But when my mental health went down the toilet during the summer of 2021 and I was so unfocused that I could barely do anything, I began to wonder if something else was going on.

Mainly, I began to ask myself: Is this actually undiagnosed ADHD?

A fantastic book that just came out from the science communicator and YouTube star, Jessica McCabe. I’m reading it now and it’s SO GOOD!

ADHD: It Runs in the Family

Before the summer of 2021, I had mildly thought about whether I may have Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) because my mind was constantly racing with all kinds of thoughts and ideas, my focus was either super there or basically nonexistent, and I couldn’t keep my physical space organized and tidy to save my life.

But I was also smart (labeled “gifted” early in school), loved keeping a hyper-organized calendar for my work, and didn’t bounce off walls the way I imagined everyone with ADHD did.

Yet I still had all of these struggles… Struggles that closely resembled that of my younger brother, who was diagnosed with ADHD during the summer of 2011 at age 20. He and I are very similar people in many, many ways, so when some of my undiagnosed ADHD symptoms began to really appear in my early 30s, I began to wonder if I had it, too.

Eventually, my husband and I kind of began to joke that I probably have ADHD based on him working with my dad on fixing up our house for a couple of months back in the summer of 2018. At the time, and plenty of times since, my husband described my dad as someone who talks and thinks so fast that it’s like he can’t finish a thought before a new one starts. And so, he jumps around the room from one thing to another, chatting the whole time.

Well, it turns out that my husband was right. Although my dad is not (and will never get) diagnosed, it turns out that ADHD is very hereditary.

When I originally searched for information about how prevalent ADHD is in families, I found articles that mentioned that if a parent has ADHD, a child is 33% likely to have it, too. And it’s double if both parents have it. But when I looked into this more recently, I found studies that list the hereditability of ADHD between 75 to 91%. Or maybe ADHD’s high heritability is actually 74%.

The truth is that we still have a long way to go in ADHD research to figure out exactly how heritable this "childhood neurodevelopmental disorder” actually is—but that’s not the whole story. In twin studies, heritability is less than 100%, which means that environmental factors are likely at play, too.

(Fun fact: Identical twin studies are some of the best research tools out there since identical twins are genetically the same, but their environments differ as they get older. This means that by studying identical twin pairs, scientists can better understand how the environment and genes play a role in <insert study subject here>. Basically, if both identical twins have or experience <insert study subject here> at a rate of 100%, we can determine that this <insert study subject here> is completely and solely due to genetics.)

ADHD being heritable made so much sense to me.

I mean, my brother definitely has it. My dad most likely has it. And, well, perhaps I have ADHD, too.

What I Learned About ADHD

When it felt like I was fully falling apart during the summer of 2021, I finally started to seriously look into whether I may have ADHD.

I know now that, at the time, ADHD content on TikTok was leading to self-diagnosis of ADHD but that’s not how I went about it.

Instead, I started Googling things like “ADHD symptoms” and “Do I have ADHD?” and then reading the articles I found that came from primary sources.

As a lifelong career journalist and editor, I heavily rely on primary sources because they are the most reliable way to get information—especially when it comes to medical or other private information. A primary source is the actual source of where the information is coming from like, say, a study. Primary sources are also government, university, and organization websites since that is where you will find experts in the field discussing the subject matter.

Primary sources are really important when looking at something like an ADHD diagnosis because there’s a lot of information out there but the only way you can safely know that the information is accurate is if you are reading something that comes directly from an expert or expert organization. For instance, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), the National Institute of Mental Health, and the American Psychiatric Association are top-notch primary sources. Reputable university and hospital websites such as Mayo Clinic and Cleveland Clinic are also great primary sources. A well-known organization such as Children and Adults with Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (CHAAD) or the Attention Deficit Disorder Association (ADDA) are good, too, but make sure that these are reputable organizations. A good way to tell is to look up who runs the organization and whether they are listed by many other sites—such as media sites that focus on mental health content, like Healthline, Verywell Mind, and ADDitute magazine—as a good resource.

Anyway, I started by reading through the CDC’s page on ADHD symptoms—which comes from the Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, Fifth edition (DSM-5), aka how pretty much any mental health condition gets diagnosed.

The symptoms are split into two: Inattention and Hyperactivity-Impulsivity. People with ADHD can have primary symptoms from one or the other or a combination. These symptoms make up the three subtypes of ADHD: Predominantly Inattentive Presentation, Predominantly Hyperactive-Impulsive Presentation, and Combined Presentation.

But the main thing I learned through my research is that ADHD is severely underdiagnosed in women and girls.

I can’t get too far into this because there are literal books written on this topic—Sari Solden’s A Radical Guide for Women with ADHD is the gold standard—but the gist is that most of the studies done on ADHD are conducted primarily with white boys and men. Well, guess what? When you throw in hormones and being socialized as a female, things are simply not the same.

Additionally, it turns out that about 2/3 of women have the inattentive type of ADHD and, you guessed it, most of the research is also on combined or hyperactive ADHD. Further complicating things is the fact that while boys with ADHD tend to be physically hyperactive, girls with ADHD internalize their hyperactivity so it typically comes out more through being a fast talker.

This is all really important context to know before examining if you or someone you know may have ADHD.

And, well, that’s exactly what I did: I took all of this context of the ways in which ADHD presents differently in women and looked at the DSM-5 symptoms, then I dug deep into my history to see where I can recognize these ADHD symptoms both today and in the past.

The past bit is especially important because, currently, the diagnosis criteria include having had these symptoms before age 12. It was honestly a little difficult for me to fully recall the past—hello, a shoddy working memory is one of our symptoms!—but I did to understand what ADHD symptoms I believed I was experiencing. And then came the “fun” part…

A memoir-in-essays that came out *today* (2/6/24!) from a writer friend that talks about life, love, motherhood, and discovering you have ADHD at age 35.

My ADHD Diagnosis at Age 35

Once I had a decent understanding of why I thought I had ADHD and what symptoms I seemed to be experiencing, I took the next step: I went to talk with my primary care physician.

Here’s the thing: Ever since the start of the COVID-19 pandemic, mental health professionals have been inundated. I mean, come on… You get why, right? And with the growing trend of people opening up about their mental health struggles online and medical and mental health professionas taking to social media to talk about their expertise, there has been an increase in demand to get diagnosed. But there are only so many people who can formally diagnose ADHD and they’re overloaded.

So, as you can imagine, there are loads of waitlists out there for people waiting for months and months to get their ADHD diagnosis. And that sucks! Especially if, like me, you’re struggling pretty hard in your life and really need to get support ASAP.

But there’s something that many people miss when seeking a diagnosis for ADHD: You don’t have to book yourself an appointment with a psychiatric office and one of those fancy four-hour tests. There’s an easier and just as accurate way to get diagnosed for ADHD. And that is, your primary care physician or psychiatrist who doesn’t insist on the formal testing. At least, this was my experience and what I often tell people to do if they’re frustrated by the wait.

CAVEAT: I am not a medical or mental health professional, so what I am telling you below is based solely on my own experience and what I have been told by my doctors. However, I want to share what it was like for me because it may help you on. your own ADHD journey.

When I finally decided to seek a diagnosis for my ADHD, I made an appointment with my primary care physician. You know, my regular doctor that I go to for annual check-ups and when I catch RSV from my toddler.

I did this because I honestly wasn’t sure where to start but, since a lot of insurance carriers require a referral, I felt like speaking with my doctor was a good first step. Plus, I liked and trusted her—which may be key when deciding if you want to go this route, too.

Here is essentially what happened:

Me: I think I have ADHD and I’d like to get a diagnosis.

Doctor: Okay. Well, you have two options–I can write you a referral for diagnosis with a psychiatrist and send you to a clinic that will likely have a months-long waitlist for a very expensive test. Or we can have a conversation about why you think you have ADHD.

Me: Um, okay, I guess let’s have a conversation.

A 20-minute conversation ensues. I explain what my symptoms are, talk about my past experiences and current struggles, and answer some questions.

I walked out of there with a prescription for Adderall and a diagnosis of combined type ADHD.

Now, you may think: Oh no! Another irresponsible doctor just quickly prescribing a stimulant to someone, how horrible! But our conversation was pretty thorough and, when I asked my doctor at the end why she thought I really did have ADHD, she told me that my experiences matched the symptoms. And, more than that, she could “just tell” by the way I talked.

Oh, you mean I talk super fast and jump around topics very quickly? Yes, hi, I really do have ADHD.

She was a good doctor who had never let me down before, and I trusted her judgment. Plus, I mean, I had researched a bunch myself and had a pretty clear view of what had been happening inside my head in those first 35 years of life.

My story didn’t end there. I did eventually see a psychiatrist a few months later, who diagnosed me with a whopping hour-long conversation. When I asked him why he thought I didn’t need to do the formal testing, he said this: The formal four-hour computerized test can’t actually diagnose anybody. It can only indicate whether ADHD is suspected, but actual diagnosis happens through a lengthy conversation with a psychiatrist who will typically ask about childhood symptoms, current symptoms, and a lot of stuff in between.

His take was basically, “Let’s skip the expensive test with a waitlist since I’d need to talk to you about all the ADHD symptoms and life history before getting a diagnosis anyway.”

That made sense to me at the time, and it still does.

So that’s how it all went down for me, my speedy but thorough formal ADHD diagnosis and what officially started my ADHD journey.

Of course, as with the first day of rehab that I experienced years prior, figuring out what the issue is only starts the journey. There are many more things that I will write about in the coming weeks and months about ADHD, motherhood, adult diagnosis, being a neurodivergent parent, the intersection of my Latinx and queer identities with my ADHD, and more.

If you’d like to keep reading, please make sure you subscribe to this newsletter and please please please forward this email to a friend who suspects they have ADHD or received an ADHD diagnosis after having kids. It turns out that I’m not the only “weirdo” to get an adult ADHD diagnosis after becoming a mom. So let’s all get together and remember that we’re not alone in this.

So now I want to know: Do you relate to the experience of suspecting and/or getting an ADHD diagnosis only after becoming a parent? Did other mental health or neurodivergent struggles become apparent after you welcomed a child into your life? Do you have a friend or relative who’s been through this? I’d love to hear from all of you. Please REPLY to this email or comment below!

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Talk soon,

Irina (she/her) - raising a March 2020 Gen Alpha kid

P.S. Those with ADHD will probably LOL that this newsletter came a day late since it’s my intention to send these Parenting in Hard Mode posts on Mondays. But, ya know, ADHD… Also, self-imposed deadlines can always be changed, amirite?