My Response to the Jerk Who Gave Me 'Advice' About My ADHD Kid

NEUROTYPICAL ADVICE DOES NOT WORK FOR NEURODIVERGENT PEOPLE.

Welcome! Parenting in Hard Mode is for those of us who are raising social justice-minded families and getting real about our mental health—all while navigating the ups and downs of parenting when life is on the difficult setting. I’m a sober bisexual Latina mom with ADHD who gave birth during the early days of the pandemic—which pretty much sums up my own “hard mode.” Please subscribe to join our community of parents who totally *get* it.

Okay, friends, I’m going to try to give context and sum up what’s going on here as briefly as I can:

• A couple of weeks ago, my 4-year-old son who is presenting with signs of ADHD, my diagnosed-as-an-adult ADHD self, and my differently wired also neurodivergent husband went on vacation. The first few days were rough as our kiddo wasn’t eating, and it was creating a lot of strife. There’s a history with him not eating due to being distracted, and I think being thrown off his routine really fucked up the whole situation.

• In a moment of utter loss and frustration, I posted about it on the Slate Parenting Facebook group—explaining the situation and asking for advice from fellow ND parents. I’m a longtime listener of Slate’s parenting podcast (Care and Feeding, formerly Mom and Dad Are Fighting) and a Slate Plus subscriber. I literally recommend this podcast to everyone I meet, and always say that it is by far my favorite podcast of all-time. Because it is! And the community in Slate Parenting has always been caring and supportive. (And I really, really wonder what Elizabeth or Jamilah would have said in reply to my situation—they are two of the kindest, most compassionate people I know and have lived experience with ADHD.)

• The advice I received in that group shortly after I posted saved our vacation. I quickly recognized that a) we were putting too much pressure on our kiddo to eat, b) he was totally out of his routine so struggling more than ever, and c) the way to solve this was to put out a tray of a different variety of food (candy included, more on that later) without saying a word. We did that for the rest of our vacation and it worked like a charm. The rest of our time was great thanks to the many neurodivergent parents/parents of neurodivergent kids that spoke up.

• This evening, I found out that the Slate team put my question in their Care and Feeding column, which I admittedly do not read because who has the time, and was told in the FB group that the column was “so so terrible,” “judgy and shamy,” and “made weird assumptions about things like the pouch while also ignoring essential info like that the primary concern here was on a short vacation.” Another person replied and said they were “shocked” and that “his advice leads to disordered eating and power struggles over food.”

• The first person concluded with: “You are doing a lot of good work. Feeding kids is hard. That columnist is ridiculous.” Thank you! And the second ended with: “Plus feeding ND kids is really a totally different thing.” Yes, FOR SURE!

• I rolled my eyes because, yeah, of course that was the response… and then decided to read the column myself even though I knew it would send me into a ball of rage. Well, about half a paragraph in, I realized that it was even worse than I was informed. But since I’m a journalist with almost 20 years of experience who has written extensively about physical and mental health, childhood obesity, ADHD, and many more topics in high-quality, well-researched articles for publications such as Yahoo and Parents magazine, that I will be responding to the VP of technology (???) that put my question in his column without me asking him to do so. (And yes, I get that I was asking for advice in an advice group so, like, fine…). Here goes!

Trigger warning: I sound extremely angry, curse a lot (though that’s nothing new), and am kinda rude/mean in my reply. Because I am a woman of color, I pretty much assume that my reply will be seen as an "overreaction,” perhaps because I am a “fiery Latina.” But because I am a strong and confident WOC, I am going to send this out anyway because I know who I am, I know what I believe, and I know my power. And my power isn’t to cower to some White Man’s perception of me. Sorry, but no. Perhaps my reply will turn off some of you, dear readers, but that is a price that I am willing to pay because I believe in speaking my truth and my truth is that I will—figuratively and literally if I have to—tear apart anyone who even remotely tries to shame me or my neurodivergent child. So here it is, my reply, with plenty of Mama Grizzly Bear rage that I am not even remotely ashamed of because, yeah, fuck the neurotypical world and the White People who force us into it.

Dear White Hipster Dudebro,

The first sentence in your column begins with this: “I’ve dealt with picky eaters, but  never a neurodivergent picky eater,”… and you know what? That’s it. That’s where you should have stopped writing this column. Because guess what? If you are not the parent of a neurodivergent child and you are not neurodivergent yourself, then you have ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY NO CLUE what I’m dealing with. Done. Period. Now fuck off.

But the thing is… you, dear White Hipster Dudebro, go on to give me supposed “advice” as to how to deal with my neurodivergent child, and other than wanting to scream, I have a few choice words for you who present as a neurotypical White Man (you know the kind I’m talking about) who thinks that he should tell me, a neurodivergent Latina with a neurodivergent Latinx child, what I should do.

You start off by telling me to talk to my pediatrician and/or my therapist who I see for my ADHD (among other things) as if I am some ignorant, negligent mother who hasn’t already done this plenty of times. Like, excuse me, whitey? You think I am just an idiot who hasn’t discussed this with my pediatrician? Who is ignoring the problem during my weekly sessions with my therapist? Do you seriously think I am turning first and foremost to a Facebook parenting group that—even if it’s the best parenting group in the world, which I do truly believe—is ultimately just a group of fellow parents and not medical professionals before I discuss a medical problem with actual qualified professionals? Wow, you sure do jump off and instantly judge someone looking for help, belittle and treat them as if they’re clueless, and generally sound like a condescending jerk right off the bat. Good job if that was what you had intended to do.

Secondly, I pretty much stopped listening the minute you said the word “healthy.” What does that word do other than put food into categories of “bad” and “good,” and create eating disorders? Do you think you’re fooling anyone by demonizing one food over another? Yes, strawberries and oranges are the “only” foods that have easily identifiable nutritional value out of those I. mentioned but (and this is probably at least partially due to the fact that you’re a neurotypical who DOES NOT GET IT and SHOULD NOT BE GIVING ADVICE TO A NEURODIVERGENT PERSON) all food has value in one way or another. I highly recommend that you take your head out of your ass for one second and read something by

Virginia Sole-Smith

. Please, just once!

I have a few choice words for you who present as a neurotypical White Man (you know the kind I’m talking about) who thinks that he should tell me, a neurodivergent Latina with a neurodivergent Latinx child, what I should do.

And when did I say that I was “concerned” about his nutrition? Not ONCE did I say that was my concern. If you’d actually, I dunno, read my question, then you would have understood that the question was about managing and helping a neurodivergent child to eat during a very specific, short vacation. Like, I just wanted him to eat anything because that’s actually the problem I was presenting. Not whether he had “nutritious” food with protein. But I explained my situation as one in which my husband and I were frustrated because our child wasn’t eating, like, at all, and it was impacting our vacation and our lives in general.

Not every parent is as obsessed as you seem to be with my child having enough eggs (wtf?) on the daily. Sorry to tell you this, but some of us are more focused on creating a safe, loving environment for our children that is free of food shame and judgment, a place where we focus on nourishing our bodies and minds in different ways, and try to balance our own and his health and happiness while dealing with some very real neurological brain differences in a world that is not even remotely designed to be friendly to the way our brains, bodies, and overall family functions.

Have I mentioned yet how someone who is neurotypical should never, ever, EVER try to give advice to a neurodivergent person? Sorry, but if you aren’t there with us, you do not and literally cannot get it. So stop. Stop right now. And frankly, I demand an apology.

By the way, professional journalist-to-tech person writing for a journalistic organization, I highly recommend you do your research since there have been so many studies that disprove the extremely popular and apparently undying myth that sugar causes hyperactivity and aggression. Here’s one from 1987. Here’s another from 1992. Here’s some more info from WebMD (I know, I know, but they mention several legit studies as well)—which did have something from the Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology that you should read: “Parents who believe a child's behavior is affected by sugar are more likely to perceive their children as hyperactive when they've been led to believe the child has just had a sugary drink.”

So, sorry to be the first to tell you this, but your “personal experience” has been scientifically shown to be a crap of confirmation bias bull (How does it feel to be a neurotypical getting advice from a neurodivergent person, I wonder?)

Oh yes, and here’s an article from Psychology Today back in 2023 that also addresses the sugar/behavior myth, and here’s another article also from 2023 that again explains the confirmation bias of parents who think their kids are more hyperactive due to sugar. Sorry, but they’re not. The science says they’re not. The science does say that parents who think this myth is true perceive their kids to be more hyperactive. But, again, they are not.

Have I mentioned yet how someone who is neurotypical should never, ever, EVER try to give advice to a neurodivergent person?

Additionally, the thing you said about my son eating well at school due to peer pressure… well, again, I want to turn to what I said earlier: Do you legitimately think I am some fucking ignorant, moron of a person? Of a mother? Your experience in elementary school is actually NOT VALID here since not once do I say that my child is in an elementary school. Not that you asked (cause why would a Hipster White Dudebro ask follow-up questions?), but my son is in a high-quality daycare and yes, I’ve legitimately seen what he eats. And yes, your judgmental you-know-what can go kiss itself because I have, in fact, tried to duplicate the feeding situation at home for the last three years that my son’s been at this daycare and guess what?

NEUROTYPICAL ADVICE DOES NOT WORK FOR NEURODIVERGENT PEOPLE.

Can we say that one more time, y’all?

NEUROTYPICAL ADVICE DOES NOT WORK FOR NEURODIVERGENT PEOPLE.

Wait wait… this last bit is my favorite bit of bullshit. He writes:

“I do have to say I’m glad ‘TV while snacking hasn’t worked.’ It’s a terrible habit to form so early and not a thing to try again. And candy? Are you kidding?! If you’re concerned about nutrition, I don’t understand why you’d even have it around other than a birthday party or halloween. Keep that stuff high in a cupboard, and save it for a special occasion.” (P.S. to the Slate copyeditors: Halloween is a proper noun, and should therefore be capitalized.)

Again, the word “concerned about nutrition” or even the word “nutrition” did not appear in my question. Secondly, I mention that TV while snacking hasn’t worked during the particular situation I mentioned—aka while we’re on vacation. Typically, my son eats best when he is watching TV and I am not fucking sorry. And I am not fucking worried either, Hipster White Dudebro.

You know why we have candy around sometimes? Because a) we were on vacation and fuck you if you’re not going to eat candy while on vacation. What kind of monster are you, seriously? Also b) people with ADHD (such as myself and my child) actually sometimes do better with sugary foods because our differently wired brain lacks the dopamine it needs in order to be motivated to do something, anything. And since sugar doesn’t actually make us more hyperactive or aggressive (see multiple studies mentioned above), sometimes a bit of candy is just what it takes.

Again, in this case, I highly recommend you check out some of

Virginia Sole-Smith

’s wonderful anti-diet culture writing on this and, in general, the concept of intuitive eating. I can tell you without a doubt that my child—crazy as it may sound to you and your confirmation bias—can regulate his own sugar intake. We currently have a box of 24 cupcakes in our house and he has barely licked some of the icing off of two of them. He hasn’t even asked for them. (I’ve had three and dad has had four in the past two days, in case you want to judge us on that, too.)

Know why he hasn’t eaten the other 17 cupcakes in a frenzy? Because while we do limit his access to sugar (heard of division of responsibility? yeah, that’s nice too), we also don’t make a big deal out of it. Sugar is not demonized in our house. It’s simply one of the things that we sometimes eat out of a wide array of different types of food that we nourish our bodies and minds with.

Sometimes my child will ask for candy, sometimes he’ll ask for Goldfish, and sometimes he’ll ask for scrambled eggs. All in one day. All in one meal, honestly. And you know what that’s called? A healthy relationship with food. When we’re not obsessing over the next time we can have the “illicit” food and can simply eat it sometimes, and reject it at other times, then that’s actually a good thing.

Last year, our kid grabbed a handful of pieces of Halloween candy and promptly forgot about the whole bag for the rest of the year. (Don’t worry, dad and I bravely took on the challenge of eating it all ourselves.)

Again, this is called a healthy relationship with food. My child may struggle with regulating his attention and often get too distracted to eat, or be so stressed out by a change in his routine because his ND brain struggles with that kind of thing, that eating becomes particularly difficult… but if there’s one thing we’ve gotten right, it’s not obsessing over the sugar “demon” as parents like you do. You’ll have to tell me how your kids do with their Halloween stash this year.

So please, White Hipster Dudebro, take your neurotypical advice and shove it exactly where you think I am going to tell you to shove it. Nobody asked you.

Abrazos,

Your friendly neighborhood bisexual Latina mom with ADHD and a neurodivergent kid