How Moms Can Create Holiday 'Magic' Without Burning Out
What to do when your invisible labor leads to holiday stress.
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This time last year, I was the first ever Parenting Editor at theSkimm—a job that I loved, was overqualified for (in terms of editing/journalism, at least), and where I first learned about Generation Alpha thanks to a solid week diving into who are the kids we’re raising today.
One of the most important stories I worked on as an editor during my time there before being impacted by layoffs in early January 2023 was titled, “Holiday ‘Magic’ is Just Mom’s Invisible Labor. Here’s How to Cope.” Researching, interviewing, and editing this story taught me a lot about what we moms (or at least most moms) do to make the holidays wonderful for our kids, and how all our effort goes unnoticed.
There were a similar piece in The Washinton Post and The Everymom around this time last year, and what I learned stayed with me as a parent.
How stressed are parents during the holidays?
Here’s the gist from the Moll Poll Report on parental family stress from the University of Michigan.
20% of parents acknowledge that their own stress level negatively affects their child’s enjoyment of the holidays
Moms reported nearly twice the number of high stress during the holidays (23%) as compared to 12% of fathers who said the same
Almost all parents (96%) said that the holidays are generally a happy time for their families
Yet 18% of parents rated their stress levels as high during the holiday season
What causes all this holiday stress?
According to the parents polled, these are the things that typically add stress during the holiday season.
Extra shopping/holiday tasks (31%)
Keeping family members healthy (30%)
Household finances (29%)
Planning for family gatherings (23%)
Making special holiday meals (22%)
Criticism from family members about holiday plans (14%)
You might notice that almost all of these are typically the invisible labor tasks that mothers take on in a heterosexual marriage. Extra shopping? Yes, that’s me. Cooking healthy (or any) meals? The husband definitely isn’t doing this. Household finances? Well, if I’m doing the shopping… Planning for gatherings? Yes, call me the Queen of the Calendar. Special holiday meals? I mean, someone has to pass down these traditions! Criticism from others? Since when are fathers faced with any kind of criticism for normal parenting tasks? I mean, really. Additionally:
20% of parents believe their child has unrealistic expectations for the holiday season
28% of parents feel that they have unrealistic expectations of themselves
What can relieve holiday stress?
Here’s what parents had to say about what relieves the holiday stress…
time alone (71%)
listening to music (55%)
exercise (46%)
prayer/religious services (28%)
getting help from other family members (23%)
work (15%)
What really struck me (but was unsurprising) in these results is that more moms say that help from family reduces holiday stress, but more dads said they look to work to reduce their stress. Basically, moms need help because they’re handling the majority of holiday “magic” while dads check out and work more. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
What about school breaks during the holidays?
Interestingly, school breaks and family rules also change things during the holidays. Here’s how:
23% of mothers and 14% of fathers say that having their child at home during the school break causes stress
Most parents say they keep similar or slightly relaxed rules for their child during the break
Other parents waive their usual rules about screen time (20%), bedtime (19%), having friends over (14%), junk food (13%), and sleepovers (13%
More than one-third of parents (37%) feel relieved when their child goes back to school after the holidays
How to really keep the holiday stress away
The best thing I learned while editing that story last year was this:
As a family (or at least as parents if your kids aren’t old enough), sit down and talk about your priorities for the holiday season. What are the things that really must happen? Are there certain holiday events around where you live, your child’s school, or with friends/family/coworkers that are a must? Be honest here! It can’t be everything.
Additionally, think about what are the things you’d like to do but maybe you can let go of in an effort to keep everyone sane. What are the traditions you want to keep and what do you want to change to make things easier? How can each parent take on shared responsibility and/or take the lead for some of the “musts” on your family holiday list?
The key to all of this is getting buy-in from your spouse. To do that, you need a supportive partner who generally believes in equality in the home.
We know that, in most heterosexual relationships, “equality” ends up being more of a concept and less of a practice. But that doesn’t mean you can’t push for a more even division of responsibilities, especially during the stressful holidays. Personally, I don’t think I’d survive marriage and co-parenting if it wasn't for Eve Rodsky’s Fair Play. We’re nowhere near good at following the advice laid out in the book, but we continue to strive towards an equal division in the home. Honestly, I’d go insane if we didn’t.
Join me in conversation… Do you experience more stress during the holidays? Can you think of ONE thing that you typically do during the holidays that feels like an obligation but that you can actually STOP doing this year? What are your favorite ways to relieve stress, during the holidays and beyond? I’d love to hear from all of you!
Talk soon,
Irina (she/her) - raising a March 2020 gen alpha kid